Shultzy (pictured left), of Shultzy and the Jambottoms, first discovered bass guitar at Sam Ash.

I literally can't add a caption that makes this any funnier than it already is.

Potap “Pudgy” Pudjanowski made a name for himself in the roaring twenties due to his frequent hooch smuggling capers and mean left hook. Jack Dempsey once said of Pudgy “Ah yes, a real big six Pudgy was. Had a real disagreeable smell about him most times, but always had a swell heart and good humor.” To this date, Pudjanowski remains the only man to have ever held a world heavyweight boxing title and champion hot dog eating title at the same time.

Brass McChudsley once out-operated the quickest Fixer on the Island. His sneakeye piece and lowdown fedora flapping in the beadeye wind, ‘ol Chudsley came upon his back, the Fixer on the rocks holding down his hat.

He gave a choice, Chudsley did, “Gimmeyer name, friend.”

“Iknewyacomin,” Fixer said'n reach'd his coat, tippin his hat,
but Chudsley din’t let’m.

Shot a hole right through it to’s head.

Now McChuds’dabig Fixer instead.

Gopher O'Hooligan's Vacation

Gopher at the photographer's.

Gopher having fun in ancient Rome.

Gopher protesting injustice in Iran.

Gopher performing for a crowd of hundreds.

Set phasers to nerd.

Russian polymath and suspected Volgograd rapist Chewsef Beardnikov gives the same angry, garbled advice to you that he gives all his students who ask for help: "Murfno...SHILow, lomshenk...... smurmend." The smells of old books and vodka distilled from boot polish fill your nostrils. He lunges before you can react.

When icons of a subculture look like a caricature of a children's TV character, your subculture is dead. Nas has it right.

Raising awareness of the pug's history of interbreeding with humans is slowly becoming one of the primary objectives of this blog.

Fucking creepy

Jailbird and father Ron Pugchug's forehead tattoo is not a hollow catchphrase, he gets it done everyday.
Jailbird and son Roger Pugchug's forehead tattoo is not a hollow promise, he delivers everyday.

Hey guys Frank's alive again!
They resuscitated Frank!
Guess what, Frank's not dead!
Yeah Franks back! In pug form.

Pim Plumpkinsonian VI says to the photographer "Anything to draw attention away from the head."

Break free hair luge
Slide across the scalps of America
May we all don them
to receive superior
dexterity and
loquacity and
ignorance of wtf

Might Gopher Plate Steve Schocktenbury found dead hanging on a coathook secured to a wall. He seems pretty content though really.

A photograph of Bill Hegh, who in high school was the friendly guy who was a little retarded (but retarded only enough to be endearing and not a drooling nuisance) that all the girls were especially friendly with.

Discrete amounts of information about cultural trivia whirl around in thought space, aggregating on the substrate of Tom's brainscape. He's a television man.

Bob Roadcough recently got a job as a quality check supervisor at the South American Breweries plant in West Virginia, and has taken the look of a life long drunk within 6 weeks. Any one who has seen Bob within the past 24 hours or may know his current whereabouts is to contact the Shayettesville PD with any information.

In the mid-1980s, Drew Carey, then a young Marine reservist, was ordered by his drill instructor to "gain at least a hundred pounds! Hell, you had better try for two! Am I clear, maggot!? Do you fucking hear me!?" Carey complied, gradually, and was honorably discharged after the completion of his objective.

Background: Paul pissing on a payphone at the Confused, Concerned, and Progressively Balding Old Man Convention.

Never before have jollity, satisfaction, mischievousness, and sagacity been evoked so sublimely before in a picture.

Winchester Remington is the most formidable man in existence.

One time he wrestled Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt never had Polio.

One time he incited revolution in Asia.
Over 70 million people died.

One time he suggested a woman leave her husband.
She did and he never even gave her the eye.

After a long life of drink and poetry, he shot himself.
This photograph was taken immediately afterwards.

Alfred “Hams” Hammond would have long since killed himself if born in a previous generation, but luckily the ability of online MMORPGs to provide an alternate life, albeit fictional, has allowed dear Hams to continue his useless existence for at least another 10 years until the cold, hard, and dispassionate truth of a wasted life and lack of finding true love eats into his soul.

Dr Wayne "Yapple" Dapple asked that his picture be photoshopped onto a plain black background by his secretary, of whose first name he his unaware. His secretary was unsure why he made this request, but noticed 3 Muslims visible in the background of the original picture.

Day trading? Responding to an inflammatory Youtube comment? Pacman?

Ludovico Bicueldi is dressed for the occasion.

Timbuc’Kazoo and Chiding Bucketpleasure are running through the desert from black vehicles that covet their tailored suits.

Torpedo Renault and Dildo "Ned" Sunrise are two of the best known, most loved, and violently envied men in all of the Western world. These jet setting entrepreneurs made their first million at the combined age of seventeen only days after unveiling the party line and unleashing Freddy Freaker's Freak Fone on an unsuspecting America. Since, success has been all but guaranteed.

Update: It's rumored that bad blood has risen between these powerful men, as this photograph taken at their ancestral estate is the last known in which both are pictured together.

Wutchu doin' there lookin' like a broke ass...Gary Busey.

Jarby Tentpenny. Big Sur expedition. Day eighty seven. Pony refuses all sexual advances. Velvet, black velvet helmet. Stroking passes time. Meat fellows depleted. Found camera on tripod in woods. Think they’re on to me.

Angered, well groomed, confused, professionally photographed, ripe for satire, presumably well hung, sad, disturbed: a picture is truly worth a thousand words.

Try as he might to explain the reason for this man's existence, God cannot do it.

The Trashwater family name originates from the fact that Bil's great-great-grandfather, Silas Proudwater, was killed on garbage day. Bilge "Bil" Trashwater's parents, seemingly sadistic but actually obscenely ignorant of any idea what the fuck, came up with his name because that's what they thought "Bil" was short for.

Arkansas weatherman Flaco Sonrisa de Mierda Comiendo lists his best features as his "killer smile, and killer forehead".

Clean freak Wally "Intracrural" Becker sold his upscale gay disco and started the Pottery Barn chain of stores. He says his interest in the pseudo-masturbatory art of pottery stems from the fact that he "loves to pound clay."

Dr. Lorn Hoson, known only as “Biggs Demonius” to a certain discreet circle of friends, is known as “Biggs Demonius” by this discreet circle of friends because he packs a massively thick eighteen incher. What these friends don’t know is that Dr. Hoson was not born with this most impressive of endowments. Using hundreds of thousands in ill-gotten grants and the cutting edge facilities at the University of San Diego, Dr. Hoson combined samples of his own neck skin with stem cells from unborn goats to create a perfect stygian package.

Mochevney “Digg Dogg” Harnum left his Canton Jersey home at the age of nineteen to make his mark on the tri-state area. He rooms with a life long friend and to this day has made over three hundred dollars selling marijuana. Rarely pictured without his trademark 40 oz, his exploits are legendary. In a single evening it is said that he can consume the equivalent of eighteen drinks without “even feeling it.” If your paths ever cross, remember: he will match you gram for gram on a blunt of any size, any time.

"Is that why you think I asked you out here? On my lunch break? On yours? Just for that? [throaty laugh] No, no that ain't it at all. You think that matters? Hell no. Not to me. Look...I've seen you the last few weeks. Life's really hit the fan. You come in lookin like hell and you leave feelin like shit. You don't work, you don't eat—I've seen you, walkin around the lot here takin a switch to the weeds instead of gettin yourself some grub. God...now, naw no, I don't want excuses, I don't want to know what's wrong even. You just...you listen, a'ight? You're a young man. I've seen you got potential, talent even, you've got alotta heart, and you deserve whatever happiness might come your way sometime, whenever that day might come. And you may not spend the rest of your life producing high-quality corrugated fiberboard containers, and I'd be happy—I'd be...proud—seein you get out of this place when you hear your calling, but for now—you hearin me?—for now I need you. We all need you here, with us. We have boxes to sell."

Tina knew Artie was the man for her becuase he "had Norm Macdonald's eyes and Jesse Ventura's haircut and body type."

Shovel Widesmith was a pioneer of western swing, but is largely remembered for his quaint racist songs Strung out Chinaman, The Drunken Indian, and Irish Mating Call. These songs are often played ironically on college radio stations because its okay to poke fun at races that white people are not scared of, c.f. Silverman, Sarah. Jesus Is Magic. Prod. by Black Gold Films, dist. by Vivendi Entertainment, 20906, USA, DVD.

The last known grainy video recording of Jack Donaghy, pictured moments before John Goodman performed the Heimlich maneuver on Mr. Donaghy, whereafter both were subsequently rushed to the hospital.

Unlike Ron Anderson (see below), Hungarian born actor Peter Lorre (famous for his roles in M, The Maltese Falcon, and Roger Corman's The Raven) has good reason for his canine facial similarities: he is in fact half pug.

Cecil "Mr. Mo" Higgins IV often appears on websites or forum posts of "people who look like their pets," but is unaware of this because the most recent technological innovation he is familiar with is the "newfangled speaking device." None of his family knows which device he is referring to.

Professional bowler Ron "Eggman" Anderson has always found himself inexplicably surrounded by spherical, bulbous objects, even disregarding his personal girth.

Ed Donk, designer of the first striped track suit, died in a tragic raping accident, perpetrated by the man behind him.