Walter "Extra Mayonnaise" Jones cut his teeth playing speed chess until closing time at the local Wendy's.

Frank McGruff, about to take a bite out of crime.

Surprisingly unsuccessful for one purportedly of the Flowing-Hair clan, Jerry Stanivich is on his last dime and wants to know what he has to do to get you into this car today.

Honk Honk

You know you dig it baby

Don Chinstrong's new album will be released on Hairplug Records, and features Don's piercing falsetto.

Equally accomplished in Fruity Loops and dispensing the sickest burns about your browser choice, Donald "Di" Sheveledsman, takes a misguided solace in the idea that he looks like Andy Samberg.

Sensei Christopher says of his career, "I knew from the beginning that it was for me, because I've always loved smashing my face into unforgiving surfaces."

Nick Passive sits for his new company ID photo as the wind tousles his thinning hair. He wonders if he "forgot" his black stapler on that new girl Shannon's desk, as he had planned to, or if he would in fact die tired and alone.

Wutchu doin there lookin like a broke ass Filipino Jack Black.

Have you been the victim of negligent medical care? Roberto "One Hitter" Ruiz can probably give you the number of his brother, who is a lawyer.

Gregory was voted "Most Likely To Become A Scoutmaster" in high school.

When a human skull, right, was accidentally stumbled upon by an old man using a metal detector on a Malibu beach, a missing persons case was opened. Due to a lack of dentition, the case was to lay dormant for 9 years. However, with the help of a forensic artist who created the above wax facsimile of what she thought the face may have looked like, the case was solved, and Robert Head's family finally received the closure they were hoping for.

Tyrone "Pretty Bob" Brown, famous New Orleans Chef whose book Butter: How to Put it into Anything was a best seller in the late 80s. A line of the book, "if you can't open you eyes when you smile, you know you eating enough butter" has been cited in every obesity study since the book was released.

Bob Thickscat suffers from Higgins Syndrome, also known as facial parvoformy, a rare disorder in which the face covers too little of front of the head. His condition has not gotten in his way, however, as he is the proud owner of one of America's largest and cruelest cattle ranches.

Dom "Carti" Lage mumbled that he will be "packing heat" tomorrow if his co-workers don't stop ridiculing him. Bring it on, Dom.

My next door neighbor Pablo "Peephole" Pedrera caught looking in my mailslot. He seemed harmless, but the 12 terabytes worth of child porn the state police found on his numerous external harddrives suggest otherwise.

The last known photograph of Dan Rosenblur, before his untimely passing due to three simultaneously untreated sexually transmitted diseases. His funeral was, perhaps coincidentally, attended mostly by debtors.

When GM shut down their Pontiac division, things weren't looking good for Roald "Britty Teef" Jagerstein. But he can now be found on the corner of Second and Maple in downtown Cleveland, Ohio. Rumor has it that if you arrive between noon and 5am you may just get to grimly observe a broken alcoholic.

Hello, and Welcome to my Webpage! I'm Dr. Jerry "Oblermania" Oblermann, Professor of Recreation Studies. My areas of specialization include: Afternoon Leisure, Ergonomics of Armchairs and Computer Chairs, Design and Implementation of Food&Drink "Delivery-To-Couch" Systems. My class schedule for this semester is:

REC 101 - Modern Recreation. Survey of popular and essential relaxation techniques. Topics may or may not include developing ass grooves, programming universal remotes, distinguishing schwag from more desirable products. 3cr

REC 420 - Advanced Exercises in Joint Rolling

Class focuses on improving mechanics and speed of joint rolling. Second half of course covers spliffs and blunts. Practical skills such as cleaning and scraping of pipes, chillums, bongs are also covered. Lab fee: $40 for 1/8, $80 for 1/4, etc. 4cr

Brian "Cupcake" Melonridge. 5'7'' 190lbs, wanted suspect in B.J. Blow's Business Solutions missing refrigerator case.

Bill is the original guitarist of Slaughter Falcon, the most successful progressive rock band on the Peoria, Illinois circuit in the early to mid-70's. He co-wrote their first album, Witche's Fundament [sic] and penned all their lyrics. He is available to play marriages, bar and bat mitzvahs, unholy unions and house parties. He is not available for mixed-race weddings.

With his restaurants serving meals such as poutine, bbq chicken wings, and his signature "Soggy Sandwich", Paul truly earned his nickname Sloppy Tom. Also the restaurant chain had a "No silverware" policy.

Big Mike knows he looks good.

This will end up being the greatest night of this young man's life, as middle-class suburban life drags him into depression and situational homosexuality.

No I won't fix your computer hyeugh hyeugh!

Sales associate Woodcock "Woody" Johnson decides "Fuck it," and shaves his head and unibrow.

Emotionally catatonic Rolf Brongtro cracks a smile after remembering that funny joke in Meet the Spartans.

French politician Jacques Combovaire after making a speech regarding his policy of beating people of Algerian descent to a bloody pulp.

Man wutchu doin lookin like a broke-ass Frank Zappa.

Multimedia artist Sebastian Bookforth. Best known for his event "Jesus Fucking Christ." The event consists of two long haired male models having simulated sexual intercourse with one another; one has "Historical Jesus" written on his chest, the other "Jesus Christ". The room is left dark except for 10 strobe lights aimed at the crowd, while Bookforth with megaphone in hand taunts the audience and encourages the models.

"Eager" Beaver McCaskill is the diabetic owner of several W.B. Mason paper mills whom the employees of Hammermill wish they worked for, instead of the embittered alcoholic who they do. His management style has been described as obese and genial.

Jesse Flambe, here pictured post-op, is a professor of Feminist Sciences at PMSU, a small liberal arts college in New England. His visionary work On Phallocentric Mathematics and its Promulgators preceded widespread interest and study in the subject. He lives in the Pioneer Valley with his partner, Robin, and his two cats, Woolf, and Vagina.

Tough but fair British detective Doug "Skullcap" Haversham poses for his latest myspace picture.

Scholarly consensus is that the heyday of guy pictures occurred in the 19th century, when self-important European aristocrats and American businessmen lined up by the dozen to pose stiffly in front of cameras. Viscount "Broomstick" Up-Fundament is considered a classic example.

Herman "Munster" Frankenboltz-Davis relaxing in his backyard.

Patent app# 74254504205454269

Description:
Contrived Smile

File Under: DENIED
Reason: Covered by prev pat# 74254504201518633, submitted by J.S. McCain

Anthropologist William "Madison" Moeffenhoemmer follows his fellow second graders lead on school picture day.

Sindip "Dipstick" Lakshamnahayaharashankur: smug to his subordinates, ingratiating to his superiors.

I am Jerry McGillicuddy but my friends call me Three Fingers. I'm 34 years old and a professional mortician who loves his job. I enjoy golf and corpses, and am looking for love.

John "Jowlingsworth" Jackburger, that dick from IT.

Man wutchu doin dere lookin like a broke ass Kevin Costner

Randy "Rowsdauer" Lark wondering where dat dere denim jacket dere got itself ta.

Man wutchu doin dere lookin like a broke ass David Mamet.

The British William S. Burroughs awaits your virgin butthole in a nearby back alley.

The last known photograph of Pietro "Legs" Faggotini, before he was brutally stabbed 34 times by members of the Italian far-right party Azione Soziale.

Jock Fivehead made a fortune after puppeteer Jim Henson modeled an entire career on his face.

Due to the poor state of medicine in Portugal, the majority of Mr Hornardo's facial reconstructive surgery was purchased at a joke shop.

They used to say Lord Michael "Greedy Touch" Falstaff was just as likely to teach your children about Euclid's Elements as he was to horribly shatter their psyches for years to come.

Although not a headshot, and unorthodox in its inclusion of women, the case for the merits this picture possesses as a guy picture are manifold.

Blue-collar Brit, Gerald "Downsy" Gripstomach visits the Fembulatatron family.