World-class clarinetist and first chair member of the New York Philharmonic, Henry Bemis dreamed of the day he could finally be one with his beloved licorice sticks. After years of secretly exploring experimental surgeries and even supernatural means, it was a freak chemical explosion that ended his exhaustive search. He awoke amongst the ruins only to find his right hand fused to his prized LeBlanc and his left to his cherished Selmer. His confusion turned to overwhelming joy as he saw his heart’s greatest desire had been delivered. That bliss soon gave way to horror when the terrible realization dawned on him:

He had but one mouth.

Shultzy (pictured left), of Shultzy and the Jambottoms, first discovered bass guitar at Sam Ash.

I literally can't add a caption that makes this any funnier than it already is.

Potap “Pudgy” Pudjanowski made a name for himself in the roaring twenties due to his frequent hooch smuggling capers and mean left hook. Jack Dempsey once said of Pudgy “Ah yes, a real big six Pudgy was. Had a real disagreeable smell about him most times, but always had a swell heart and good humor.” To this date, Pudjanowski remains the only man to have ever held a world heavyweight boxing title and champion hot dog eating title at the same time.

Brass McChudsley once out-operated the quickest Fixer on the Island. His sneakeye piece and lowdown fedora flapping in the beadeye wind, ‘ol Chudsley came upon his back, the Fixer on the rocks holding down his hat.

He gave a choice, Chudsley did, “Gimmeyer name, friend.”

“Iknewyacomin,” Fixer said'n reach'd his coat, tippin his hat,
but Chudsley din’t let’m.

Shot a hole right through it to’s head.

Now McChuds’dabig Fixer instead.

Gopher O'Hooligan's Vacation

Gopher at the photographer's.

Gopher having fun in ancient Rome.

Gopher protesting injustice in Iran.

Gopher performing for a crowd of hundreds.

Set phasers to nerd.