"Is that why you think I asked you out here? On my lunch break? On yours? Just for that? [throaty laugh] No, no that ain't it at all. You think that matters? Hell no. Not to me. Look...I've seen you the last few weeks. Life's really hit the fan. You come in lookin like hell and you leave feelin like shit. You don't work, you don't eat—I've seen you, walkin around the lot here takin a switch to the weeds instead of gettin yourself some grub. God...now, naw no, I don't want excuses, I don't want to know what's wrong even. You just...you listen, a'ight? You're a young man. I've seen you got potential, talent even, you've got alotta heart, and you deserve whatever happiness might come your way sometime, whenever that day might come. And you may not spend the rest of your life producing high-quality corrugated fiberboard containers, and I'd be happy—I'd be...proud—seein you get out of this place when you hear your calling, but for now—you hearin me?—for now I need you. We all need you here, with us. We have boxes to sell."

Tina knew Artie was the man for her becuase he "had Norm Macdonald's eyes and Jesse Ventura's haircut and body type."

Shovel Widesmith was a pioneer of western swing, but is largely remembered for his quaint racist songs Strung out Chinaman, The Drunken Indian, and Irish Mating Call. These songs are often played ironically on college radio stations because its okay to poke fun at races that white people are not scared of, c.f. Silverman, Sarah. Jesus Is Magic. Prod. by Black Gold Films, dist. by Vivendi Entertainment, 20906, USA, DVD.

The last known grainy video recording of Jack Donaghy, pictured moments before John Goodman performed the Heimlich maneuver on Mr. Donaghy, whereafter both were subsequently rushed to the hospital.

Unlike Ron Anderson (see below), Hungarian born actor Peter Lorre (famous for his roles in M, The Maltese Falcon, and Roger Corman's The Raven) has good reason for his canine facial similarities: he is in fact half pug.

Cecil "Mr. Mo" Higgins IV often appears on websites or forum posts of "people who look like their pets," but is unaware of this because the most recent technological innovation he is familiar with is the "newfangled speaking device." None of his family knows which device he is referring to.

Professional bowler Ron "Eggman" Anderson has always found himself inexplicably surrounded by spherical, bulbous objects, even disregarding his personal girth.

Ed Donk, designer of the first striped track suit, died in a tragic raping accident, perpetrated by the man behind him.

São Paulo Guy Picture Tour

São Paulo has the largest guy population of any major city in the world. It is one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the world, and the diversity of its guys is commensurate with the diversity of its entire populace. The following are three species of guy indigenous to the city:

The Neon-wifebeater-wearing Jogger, or Torpeus Zompabollous
These guys are friendly and are willing to give tourists directions while they jog in place. On the NIWTF (no-idea-what-the-fuck) scale they fall between the Namibian wearing an Edmonton Oilers t-shirt and the Kenyan country-western music fan.

Torpeus Zompabollous, during mating season.

The Walking Advertisement Cyclist, or Deadpanus Vacuous
These mouth-breathing college students can be seen riding around the city with hats, backpacks, and spandex shirts issued by local companies to drum up business. The Deadpanus Vacuous pictured here is wearing the apparel of Yamarillo, a Japanese gold pocket watch company.

The St. Paul Cro Magnon, or Sternus Unawaretus
The proudest but also the most confused species of guy in the city. High enough on the NIWTF scale to be considered a danger to themselves or others, city officials passed legislation that requires all Sternus Unawaretii to have a question mark chest tattoo, which is to be visibly displayed at all times.

As satisfying as he is brutally Italian-looking, Lionel Messi may not be aware of his status as a God among mere mortals. Nevertheless, he is sleeping well tonight.

Erstwhile companion of Rav Domino, Mr. Harmit Soapbuddy hankers meanly for the sweeter meats of life.

Jam Handy appreciates a good rough n' tumble.

A sample of one of many soul-crushing profiles at the new and poorly-veiled fetish forum catfancierssmeet.com:

ProfileName: KatSkratchFeva69
Sign: Capricorn (careful we're fiesty! heheh raow!)
Favorite Films: Garfield 2- A Tale of Two Kitties
Interests: Sexualizing animals to express my own inner turmoil.

"Of inhabitants of the lands known as the Tin Islands or Britanion to the Attics, according to the Sidonian merchants who have made travel there, little of interest can be said aside from the most commonly heard observations that they are often sullen drunkards and that the closeness of their eyes is found to be directly proportional to their general contentment."-Herodotos, The Histories, Book LXIX

With wisdom such as this available it is to this blogger's chagrin that the relevance of Classical Studies continues to go unnoticed.

Wutchu doin' there lookin' like a broke ass...Sean Connery.

Randall "Slippyfists" Flagg couldn't understand why none of the children in the park would help him find his lost puppy, even after he offered candy.

“Now what we have here is a fine clock-in-box cousin Jeeter gave me. Hell if I know how to read it but maybe one of you can figure it out. Only problem I can think of is some dang noise it makes every morning round sunup.” -Bobby-Jo Biggenburry from Antiques Red Neck Roadshow

Whatchu doin there lookin like a broke ass David Cross

"Oh! My God...Lorraine? You're here, too? I...no, no I wasn't avoi...hiding in the ferns ha ha! Just checking if they were fake or not, maybe...maybe needed water...Lorraine...it's so good to see you again, Lorraine."

Dear Kris Dryden,

Let me first state that I am a man who means what he says. I do not mince words, and I do not use irony to make a point. And when I ordered food at your Bruegger's Bagels establishment last Monday I expected to receive precisely what I ordered. What I ordered was a Spinach Omelet on an Asiago Parmesan Softwich. Incidentally I shudder every time I say Softwich. To the server's credit she went out of her way to ask me what I wanted the sandwich on. Even so, a Softwich is not what I received. Instead my Spinach Omelet was served on what I believe is a pretzel bagel. In fact I have just checked on the Bruegger's Bagels website and it is literally called a Salt Bagel.
Let me also state that I am a man who does not as a rule dislike pretzels or salty food items. In fact I enjoy them from time to time. However, this Salt Bagel leaves a burning sensation in one's mouth that is more fiery than the Jalapeno Cheddar Bagel. I scraped at least 75% of the salt of the bagel, and still its potency was astronomical. I would not have run into this problem if I had checked the contents of my bag before leaving the store, but I have developed a rapport with the workers and a trust of your company in general. However this does not bother me as much as the fact that you have such an abomination on your menu. Because I am confident no one orders your Salt Bagel, I am here to inform you that it would be a health hazard to keep the item on your menu.

Sincerely,

Frederick R. Freaker

"I'm sorry Mr and Mrs Barroso, but your son is jarring." This was the announcement made to João Barroso's parents upon his birth.

Tony's creative output has impressive breadth and depth, and his latest project (nsfw) can be found here and here.

Small "clock", big heart
Your meat is trash but your
Love is art

Aliheed, thanks to his satellite ears, can receive HD signals and watch the transmissions when he closes his eyes.

Uconn Dean of Higgins Studies Gerry Groast won a Guinness World Record for butt-chugging a full keg of Guiness Stout. It all ended up going to his head. And he is still drunk.

Reasonably enough, Bill has a maternal uncle named Ringo, and a paternal uncle named Shaggy.

Socially clumsy but well meaning Professor of History Ted Coptor had his two front teeth removed to make room for wooden implants in order to better understand what it was like to be the first US president.

Nick Stamatopolous won the Guinness World Record for amount of chin, but was later disqualified because goiters don't count.

Hector Feliciano had a heart attack but now he's never felt better! Little does he know is newfound faith in life and the enjoyment thereof will lead to another heart attack in 12 days time.

Brad Rimmer abbreviated resume:

Career History and Accomplishments

Former professional wrestler, hair stylist, comedian, singer for rock
band Dream Theater. Currently working on earning an MBA from
University of Phoenix Online.

Job Skills

Skilled at learning new concepts quickly, multi-tasking, and
communicating ideas clearly and effectively. Enjoys working
as a team member.

Pertinent Memberships and Affiliations

Never Forget Owen Hart fan club, WCW emeritus therapy group,
Netflix Mature subscriber.

Rob keeps meaning to put a better picture up on his business's website, but just keeps forgetting.

Wutchu doin there lookin like a broke ass dbag--I mean Dane Cook.

Rolf Brongtro's brother Ralph, another sufferer of Higgins Syndrome.

Father Ross, pictured straining, tapping his foot, waiting patiently in a room with partitions, tiled floors, and tiled walls which is not a confessional booth.

Tim "Rodential" Faceplant is smiling for some reason...(see below)

Wutchu doin there lookin like a broke ass Dr. Phil.

This ephebe became the target of ridicule and physical assault when he mixed up the day of the gay pride parade for the day of the Puerto Rican pride parade.

The cancellation of Duke Nukem Forever hit Chris pretty hard.

butt chin

Professional rodeo clowns Kiki and Bobo never do it without the chaps on.

Wutchu doin lookin like a broke ass the fat guy from Lost.

"I WORE THIS STUPID FAUXHAWK AND DISCRETE SOUL PATCH AND TRIMMED EYEBROWS FOR YOU MANDY!!" read Paul Glink's facebook status after being dumped by his 5'11'' domineering girlfriend.

Bruce Bunk would like to thank all the boys that attended his "Champagne Jam".

Nick "The Body" Nutria portrayed "Villain #2" in the late 70s James Bond film Vegas Roundabout. His sole line in the film was "you double crossing limey fink those goddamned diamonds are phonies" shortly before his character was shot in the face. This scene was left out of the film, and the line was used in another Bond film, but Nick's footage can be seen in the DVD release which has four hours of deleted scenes.

Burt Bunk was inspired to start cycling when he saw John Destefano's "Pedal Power" campaign ad.

Sorry Rufus.

Rufus Franks, whose mustache reaches levels of satisfaction not yet seen in a guy picture.

Eenis Dunn, reanimated corpse and star of the short lived Fox News show Dunn Dunn Dunn; an incoherent and mildly disturbing news/shockumentary series wherein Dunn futilely sought to chronicle the constant stream of frightening images and grotesque figures which only he could see.